When I was younger and grown up without a parent who tend, being so stubborn is common for me, I sustain scratches and bruises due to fighting, but all of it had cured and healed except for a certain wound which continued to bleed and ache every time I reached more years, and that was the wound in my heart.
And because of this wound that I harboured resentment of being neglected and so much anger deep within me, I personally consider that as a symbol of my broken personality, if my memory serves me right, I sustained this wound immediately before my heart was wounded, the bruises and scratches had long healed but the wound in my heart still hadn’t, in fact it is still aching and bleeding profusely. I felt all this when I was 6 years old I hardly believe it either, that I won’t even know it until I’ve gone for school.
And when I learned the fact that the father I’ve known and grown up with, is not my biological Dad confused, disappointment and anger ruled over me especially when my Mom don’t say anything about my real Dad. The optimism of my vision towards my perception of my whole being become blunt and in a snap it vanished into the air of deception.
And then came that moment that I’m craving to know and trace any information on him (Dad), I can’t get it from my Mom for she keep on avoiding and don’t want to speak about him when I brought it as a topic, in which I don’t even understand why, I was wondering if it’s too hard for her to let me have even a little pieces of information until I knew one thing and that my father’s name was Wallace Castillo, I search and asked about him without my Mom’s permission, I have known that my father was a former soldier that his roots came somewhere part of Luzon and I’m not so sure of the place its sounds like Abra, but still I’m not so sure of it.
And it was during that incident that hatred started to grab a hold of me, it occurred to me that my mom is one of the reason why my life is in miserable situation, what she did to me bring a great impact of being what I am, I consider those things as a rock of salt that my Mom rubbing it harshly on my wounded heart making it more painful and unbearable.
As time goes by it was still a puzzle for me that my wounded heart ache got worse and it is the reason on why I become so irrational and unpredictable and when I reach the age of 18 I still keep on wondering and still keep on being a brat, in short I was been so rebellious then it getting worst until I reach the age of 21 there was this one person who never give up on me her name is Emmedina delos Santos(she’s my friend, my confidante and my teacher as well) she said what I’ve been trough might be a good example to anyone, I never give a damn on her then one day she invited me to have a little participation of the educational trip that was founded by their organization, by that then I give myself a try, I join the Non Government Organization who mostly care for women’s right and children’s welfare for the reason of diverting myself from anger and frustration.
I thought by joining them would stop me from craving to unleash the other part of me, the questions that keep on hunting me for years still lingered on my mind, I was wondering if Dad really give a chance to look after me that he might but Mom hide me from him or maybe Dad really don’t care? Which is which? Do I really have a space in my Dad’s heart? If not at least he might remember my Mom that somehow she played a great part of him, I don’t give a damn whatever he may think or react what really matters to me is that I may know and hoping that I was born not to be the un-wanted child for I know that the time they meet they do have that spark and that they seek to have me then, may the rumours I heard would fit the real story, I just want them to realize and admit that I’m not a fruit of mistake for in that I could still reconnect my severed relationship with my Mom.
I am just like those who gravely suffered from these imaginative“wounds”, a suffering that caused by un-worked relationship or family break ups.
It is a bitter reality that most of the parents and a parents-to-be not just to be aware of but rather be recognized and addressing, alleviating and preventing the “wounds” that your YOUNG ones may feel wither wanted or the un-wanted that they may not be encountered.
What Mom did really struck me, but as I grow older and understand few things and also by Gods words and intervention I was sooth and relief that the pain that was bottled inside of me for what it seems like forever ended up when I shout out loud the aches that I have kept inside and that was the time when mom came home from abroad for it was almost 13 long years she haven’t came home, I burst like an atomic bomb when we have a huge argument, I told her everything that keep me from feeling so ill and so un-wanted.
I cried so hard for that long years since the first time I felt hurt and wounded, I even ask her why she keep on hiding my father’s identity she was too astonished to hear that I was been imprison by her past, the only thing she say is that “I never hide you from your Dad, he knows where he can find you, I just don’t want you to find him for yourself, for I want him to find you if he really cares for you “ after that moment I realize Mom had a point, He don’t have to rule my life, though it’s hard to grow up without a Dad to call for your own nor cuddle you when you’re hurt, yes Mom was right I should have know it long time ago so I never waste those time that I should enjoy being a child and a teens. Blurting it out makes me feel so relief and that at last, I felt that my inner wound was about to be healed it might not on that spot but I know it would.
Come to think of it, we may felt the emptiness and rejection just keep it in mind there just part of you and not the whole you, for I do believe now that a wounded heart doesn’t need time to be healed or a door to be closed it needs to be understand and open up as well. And for my Dad, I have forgiven you; I know someday with God’s will, we’ll see each other again.
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