The Dark Angel

Fell storm clouds deny Sol's sweet caress
Leaving only lightless emptiness.
Warmth gives way to chilling haze,
Silence screams in mute malaise.
A bleak horizon devoid of joy;
A soul believes it is but Fate's toy...
My world had lost all 'semblance of life:
Realm of heartache in seething strife.
Then dread clouds were pierced by rays of light
Which banished the cold and shattered old night.
From a radiant beam, a Dark Angel descended.
Her laughter was song; the silence had ended.
With beauty unmatched, there were stars in her eyes,
Gems could not sparkle so, despite how they try.
She landed far from me, distant light in the dark,
Like a star far from Heaven out for a lark.
Since then I've done naught but seek my love out.
I'd traverse this world over, of this there's no doubt.
Her lips spoke of love that she sought to share.
Two spirits could not have been better paired.
I breathlessly await to behold her at last;
To gaze upon splendor so infinitely vast;
Hold her close to my heart, to kiss her soft skin;
And confess love undiscerning, to know peace once again.

(The following poetry was conceived and written by Joseph Spicer. I'd prefer none of it to be reproduced without due credit-AT LEAST, if not PERMISSION- to -and from- the author)

I Fear You

I fear to gaze into your eyes
For within them, I see myself
Drowning.
Being pulled down deep
Deep into the dark doldrums of love
Where there is no wind
No wind to fill the sails of my sinking ship
And I'll not bother to man the oars and sail free
Why sail free?
For I would live and drown within you.

I fear to listen to your lips
From them I see myself
Addicted
Hopelessly fiending for more
More of the sweet narcotic whispers that drip from them
And there is no synthetic
No synthetic to ease me off wanting you
And I'll not look for cures
Why cure this?
For I am content to be enslaved to you.

I fear to feel your touch
For it causes me to see myself
Imprisoned
Behind bars and glass
Bound within the silky chains of your arms
Which has no key
No key to unlock your gentle hold upon me
And I'll not try to pick the lock to escape
Why escape?
I'd willfully serve life, confined within you.

I fear your heart most of all
For within it I see myself
Missing
You'll not allow me inside
I'll never quite reach there
There in the warmth and glow of your love
And seemingly there is no entry
Not door nor window to climb my way in
And I still endeavor to try
Why try?
For I fear to be without you.

(The following poetry was conceived and written by Joseph Spicer. I'd prefer none of it to be reproduced without due credit-AT LEAST, if not PERMISSION- to -and from- the author)

his a friend of mine and i love what he wrote about fearing on someone we love.....i hate to admit but i do feel the same way too..

what is BIPOLAR DISORDER?

is mainly defined by manic or mixed episodes that last at least seven days, or by manic symptoms that are so severe that the person needs immediate hospital care. Usually, the person also has depressive episodes, typically lasting at least two weeks. The symptoms of mania or depression must be a major change from the person's normal behavior. and it is known manic-depressive illness, a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood,energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks.They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time.it may be a result from, damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.
it is not easy to spot when it would start, the symptoms may seems like separate problems, not recognized as parts of a larger problem.Some people suffer for there sickness for years before they are properly diagnosed and treated, while the BIPOLAR DISORDER is a long-term illness that must be carefully managed throughout a person's life.
it may be scary to think but that's the truth for all of us to be aware and be ready.
people who had been found out with bipolar disorder experience unusually intense emotional states that occur in distinct periods called "mood episodes.", overly joyful or overexcited state is called a manic episode, and an extremely sad or hopeless state is called a depressive episode. Sometimes, a mood episode includes symptoms of both mania and depression. This is called a mixed state. People with bipolar disorder also may be explosive and irritable during a mood episode.

will after knowing how does it mean we ask on what are the symptoms of bipolar disorder and how could it be describe?

well, let me tell you the experts base it into two kinds of symptoms that they called it mania or a manic episode and depression or a depressive episode.

in mania or a manic episode mood changes are bases on A long period of feeling "high," or an overly happy or outgoing mood, or Extremely irritable mood, agitation, feeling "jumpy" or "wired." and commonly have a behavioral changes: they talk so fast they have a racing thoughts and even jumping one idea to another, they are easily distracted, there goal is increasing directed activities such as taking on project, being so restless and a little sleep, they have a unrealistic belief on one's abilities, mostly they are impulsive on taking part in pleasure, they're high risk behavior, like spending sprees impulsive in sex and business investments.

while the depression or a depressive episode: they have a long period of feeling worried or empty, they lost interest on activities once in there life they've enjoyed and the common example on that is the so called sex. there behavioral changes is that they felt so tired and slowed down they mostly have problems on concentrating, remembering and making decisions. they are restless and irritable at all times and there eating, sleeping and indoors activity habit where been change and they also think on suicide or else attempting to do so.



in addition to mania and depression, bipolar disorder can cause a range of moods such as severe and moderate depression,and even mild low mood, it also include the hypo mania and severe mania. Moderate depression may cause less extreme symptoms, and mild low mood is called dysthymia when it is chronic or long-term.
During hypomanic episodes, a person may have increased energy and activity levels that are not as severe as typical mania, or he or she may have episodes that last less than a week and do not require emergency care. A person having a hypomanic episode may feel very good, be highly productive, and function well. This person may not feel that anything is wrong even as family and friends recognize the mood swings as possible bipolar disorder. Without proper treatment, however, people with hypomania may develop severe mania or depression.

during there mixed state,symptoms often include agitation, trouble sleeping, major changes in appetite, and suicidal thinking. People in a mixed state may feel very sad or hopeless while feeling extremely energized.Sometimes, a person with severe episodes of mania or depression has psychotic symptoms too, such as hallucinations or delusions. The psychotic symptoms tend to reflect the person's extreme mood. For example, psychotic symptoms for a person having a manic episode may include believing he or she is famous, has a lot of money, or has special powers. In the same way, a person having a depressive episode may believe he or she is ruined and penniless, or has committed a crime. As a result, people with bipolar disorder who have psychotic symptoms are sometimes wrongly diagnosed as having schizophrenia, another severe mental illness that is linked with hallucinations and delusions.




the risk factor on having this kind of disorder is very high for Most scientists agree that there is no single cause.many factors likely act together to produce high risk...

bipolar disorder is also tends to run in the family researchers are looking for genes that may increase a person's chance of developing the illness. Genes are the "building blocks" of heredity. They help control how the body and brain work and grow. Genes are contained inside a person's cells that are passed down from parents to children.Children with a parent or sibling who has bipolar disorder are four to six times more likely to develop the illness, compared with children who do not have a family history of bipolar disorder. how ever most children with a family history of bipolar disorder will not develop the illness.

it is studied and found out that most people with bipolar disorder had: Missed work because of their illness, Other illnesses at the same time, especially alcohol and/or substance abuse and panic disorders and Been treated or hospitalized for bipolar disorder.

researchers also identified certain traits that appeared to run in families, including: History of psychiatric hospitalization, Co-occurring obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), Age at first manic episode, Number and frequency of manic episodes.





HOW DOES IT DIAGNOSE?
he first step in getting a proper diagnosis is to talk to a doctor, who may conduct a physical examination, an interview, and lab tests. Bipolar disorder cannot currently be identified through a blood test or a brain scan, but these tests can help rule out other contributing factors, such as a stroke or brain tumor. If the problems are not caused by other illnesses, the doctor may conduct a mental health evaluation. The doctor may also provide a referral to a trained mental health professional, such as a psychiatrist, who is experienced in diagnosing and treating bipolar disorder, People with bipolar disorder are more likely to seek help when they are depressed than when experiencing mania or hypomania.17 Therefore, a careful medical history is needed to assure that bipolar disorder is not mistakenly diagnosed as major depressive disorder, which is also called unipolar depression. Unlike people with bipolar disorder, people who have unipolar depression do not experience mania. Whenever possible, previous records and input from family and friends should also be included in the medical history.





most of us ask on HOW DOES IT TREATED?
there is no cure for bipolar disorder. But proper treatment helps most people with bipolar disorder gain better control of their mood swings and related symptoms. Because bipolar disorder is a lifelong and recurrent illness, people with the disorder need long-term treatment to maintain control of bipolar symptoms. An effective maintenance treatment plan includes medication and psychotherapy for preventing relapse and reducing symptom severity.

it can be diagnosed and medications prescribed by people with an M.D. (doctor of medicine). Usually, bipolar medications are prescribed by a psychiatrist. In some states, clinical psychologists, psychiatric nurse practitioners, and advanced psychiatric nurse specialists can also prescribe medications. Check with your state's licensing agency to find out more.Not everyone responds to medications in the same way. Several different medications may need to be tried before the best course of treatment is found.

When Fate play its Part

The pain is cured, but the scar stays with in
and memories flashing back like a movie on that big TV screen
the show is so familiar of two people so in love, that no one could ever depart
promising words and exchanging vows, and sealed with sweet kisses
happy months and years pass, thought there love really last
but alas! The Vow is violated and love was broken, and leave her crying in pain,
and then she’s begging to stay and hope to fix it in
but the other one insist that he can’t go on, that love won’t ever work for both of them
he left her with heartbroken and shattered dreams
crushed heart and cursing plea, is what the girl on that big TV screen scream
her heart totally wrecked by the men she truly love
but in spite of it she still wait for her man to come back in return
but years had passed it never happen
until fate play its part and trick her hurting heart
they finally met in an occasion that she hardly expected
there was her man walking on the isle, with his new found love
tears rolled down her gloomy face
the hurt that she felt before triple times it made
and she burst into tears
while she’s singing the songs that she wish to sing for her and him.

Dealing with Tricky, Broken Hearts

They said broken hearts never healed when you are still haunted and have that Fears, we both know that all of us have been trough on that stage even the little child who had this closest childhood friend who always give them attention and then in a sudden she/he found out that the smile that he/she used too, had been given to someone else, at that moment then that little child’s heart has been broken. Though it’s not a big deal to us big girls of what that little child felt but come to think of it, it’s still the word BROKEN HEART its sounds so funny but it’s true, it only signifies that BROKEN HEART is for all of us who fall and feel that special feelings that we can’t resist.
Breaking our hearts into pieces from the person who we treasured most is what we always afraid of and think about most, I admit I’m one of those person who feared so much to be fallen apart and be one of the broken hearted person again, I even ask Gods guidance that He might give me strength to overcome it when that moment would come again, for I truly know dealing with that pain and heart break again is not that easy, for it made us all roam into the deepest grief and a melancholic atmosphere, and from that on a broken hearted lad will be born out of us. And let’s admit it by that moment when we’re drag on that disposition we can’t even see that we are not the one who suffered most from that broken heart, for we are blind enough to see for our own grief that even knowing the truth that the people who surrounds us is the most affected person we might ever know, for breaking ones heart is not that easy to deal with, it is craving for an answer on why and how does it happen, even crying so hard on not believing that it really happened, from that moment we can’t even see that the people surrounds us felt triple time on what we have felt. From my own experience, indulging myself into grief and frustration is what I’ve done, that reaches to the point of forgetting the people who cared and love me more than my men do, I even forget my worth that I attempt on getting suicide (will I know that was a dumb thing to do but what should I do when I was on that feeling of broken heart and so frustrated) but thanks God he wake me up and hit me hard that even Him I forgot, that His the only men who would love without breaking our hearts( when it’s us who always break his heart though). And from that on I realize that breaking ones heart is not a disease to be afraid of and mostly should not dealing too hard on it though it’s the toughest decision we’ve need to face and go through, for it’s a lesson for us to think what we need to think about for every time we felt so hurt it’s also the time we felt better it might not now but soon and come to think of it after losing someone we love look around and count the people who love and cared you most, the bottom of it, “BROKEN HEART is not a feeling to be CURSE but a feeling to be thank of, for it won’t made you weak It made you more Stronger than ever.”
So deal our broken hearts at ease though it’s too tough to bare but what could we lost? Hmm…what should I say? Will we’re losing the tricky part of it

ILIGAN CITY's during the SPANISH ERA

Like the other coastal settlements, Iligan was also constantly attacked by the Muslims, a retaliatory action against the Spanish intruders. In 1639, on order of Gov. Gen. Sebastian Hurtado de Corcuera, Captain Francisco de Atienza y Vañez, a tried warrior from Toledo, Spain, constructed six collapsible boats, each capable of carrying 50 to 100 men, to be assembled at Lake Lanao. As in charge of Iligan, and after receiving suggestions from Fr. Fray Agustin(known as Padre Capitan) on the military technique and strategy against the Muslim strongholds, he led as expedition to Malanao. After the fall of Marawi to the Spaniards, the Muslims continued to harass the enemy on the sea and on land. They even cut off the supply route from Iligan, causing Atienza to pull back and fortify Iligan from the increasing Muslim attacks. As a Christian settlement, Iligan's story really goes back more than four centuries ago, shortly before Legaspi's expedition reached the Philippines in 1565. It began in the island-kingdom of Panglao, just off the southwest coast of Bohol. At that time, most of the island of Bohol was covered by virgin forest, but Panglao was already a renowned trading center. Father Francisco Combes, the Jesuit historian, states that such was the fame of Panglao that ambassadors of princes from foreign places were sent to the island.
Combes relates that an ambassador from the king of Terranate (Ternate in the Moluccas) caused a war which forced the islanders to abandon Panglao and moved en masse to what is now Dapitan: " The ambassador lost respect for the house of the princes--then represented by Dailisan and Pagbuaya, who were brothers--by making advances to a concubine. They punished the crime by cutting off the noses and ears of the ambassador and his men." The king of Ternate retaliated by sending a war expedition. Using trickery and surprise, the raiders were able to kill Dailisan. Pagbuaya, the surviving prince, then sought another place for his people. Combes explains why: "As there were no hills on their coasts, and they were unable to restrain their noble and warlike nature to the confinement and prison of the retired mountains, where they would be deprived of the trade and benefits of the sea, they crossed to the island of Mindanao... and seized a small rugged hill which allow itself to be monopolized (held) by their valor." Thus, Dapitan was founded. Here Pagbuaya, while confronted by still another threat from the Muslim king of Burnay(Borneo) encountered Legaspi's expedition in 1565 and sealed an alliance with the Spanish conquistador. It was a pilot from Dapitan who guided Legaspi to Panglao, and thence to Bohol where the blood compact was signed with a lesser chieftain, Sikatuna.
It is interesting to note that the town of Tagoloan, Misamis Oriental is traditionally held to have been a Muslim settlement in the pre-Spanish period. Tradition has it that for some urgent reasons, Tagoloan was suddenly abandoned during a mass exodus to northeastern Lanao. The probable cause of the exodus was the unusually violent eruption of Hibok-hibok Volcano in Camiguin Island. The eruption must have been a major one accompanied by killer tidal waves, forcing the Tagoloan folks to abandon the sea in their panic. It is significant that as late as the 1950s Hibok-hibok Volcano again erupted.
My theory is that the Tagoloans journeyed well into the hinterlands until they reached the area around Balo-i, in what is now Lanao del Norte, where the abundance and the easy accessibility of fresh water for their daily religious ablutions made them stay permanently. The rugged mountains and gorges of Bukidnon were not as hospitable, though nearer to Tagoloan, because water in its steep river gorges is hard to get. The tradition about Tagoloan to my thinking has factual basis. The jigsaw puzzle about the pre-Spanish origins of the Lanao Norte Muslims (I call them the Tagoloans) falls into place neatly of the assumption that they came from Tagoloan is accepted. Just one piece of evidence in support of the theory is the fact that there exists a town called Tagoloan, northeast of Balo-i, in the precise direction of Tagoloan, Misamis Oriental, I surmise that in the old days, after the passing of the generation that made the exodus from Tagoloan, that place became more and more vague, hazy memory, and the nearby area in its general direction (northeast) became Tagoloan to the later-day Maranaos.
The Sultanate of Tagoloan is acknowledged by the Lake Muslims as a legitimate sultanate, not part of the traditional "pat a pengampong." It has its own salsila (oral traditions).
The poblacion of old Iligan was located west of the old public market. It is now under water. When it began to sink, Gobernadorcillo Remigio Cabili built another fort and transferred the poblacion to its present site.
The gobernadorcillo at the time the Spaniards abandoned Iligan in late 1899 was the famous Hilarion Ramiro. He received the Americans under the command of a Captain John Smith who, in early 1900, landed from seven gunboats anchored in Iligan Bay....

Amicable GUPSies

Who are they? Does anyone know about them? Or does anyone recognize this kind of organization? Ohh yeah, there’s lot of organization but why should I care? Can’t we really care for them? Will, I don’t even know until I read something about them that strike me enormously. And you may not believe that for the first time I felt, that I too have a little doubt that they could really do, could they really give PEACE? I admit I give a mocking smile on that statement but HOLLAH! What I realize that yes, why can’t they? This bunch of people, knows how to think and felt hurt when someone mock on them, I really admit it that I so judge mental that I haven’t heard myself then, they called themselves GUPsies or mostly known as Gays United for Peace and Solidarity an organization dedicated to the empowerment of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender . GUPS was born out of the desire and aspirations to claim their God-given right of equal protection, equal opportunity and non-discrimination regardless of creed, belief, sexual orientation and gender equality.

This organization promotes and advances the cause towards the elimination of all sort of discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity. They work closely with other groups, individuals and stakeholders towards the advancement of policies, ordinances and legal instruments that advocate for equal protection and equal opportunity for all. They lead a colourful and unconventional way of life. They have the brightest, most talented, innovative and creative people who untiringly contribute to the country's development and progress. They even been the most visible and yet the least powerful group in our society. In the past they had been submissive and silently doing their assigned tasks and roles amidst all the mockery and disrespect by the society that they serve. Now, as ever, the LGBT community continues to endure ridicule, harassment, or worst being discriminated against and constantly bullied and tormented even by their own families, by the communities, churches, and the government.

GUPS was organised to address issues of marginalisation and discrimination. They work harder to push for legislations at the local and national level for social inclusion, equal protection, equal opportunity and social justice.

We may not admit it, but what this group’s mission and visions is inspiring and amicably to be hand in hand bragging PEACE, LOVE and EQUALITY in spite of the mockery and insult that they get, they never stop caring and bringing it on, in their own little way, and I was asking to myself then, if this people with dual personality (I’m not insinuating the BIPOLAR disorder here) could do this things and even bare all of this, then why can’t we? We use to be known as normal or perfectly right in our personality why can’t we even share and bring the PEACE, LOVE and EQUALITY out of us then? Will I’ll leave that question for us to think and not to condemn, for we intend to our own opinions and views but what I’m saying here is, let’s BRING OUT the best of us without building GAPSES and BRIDGES on who we are and who they are.

When my Soul Speak...

When I was younger and grown up without a parent who tend, being so stubborn is common for me, I sustain scratches and bruises due to fighting, but all of it had cured and healed except for a certain wound which continued to bleed and ache every time I reached more years, and that was the wound in my heart.
And because of this wound that I harboured resentment of being neglected and so much anger deep within me, I personally consider that as a symbol of my broken personality, if my memory serves me right, I sustained this wound immediately before my heart was wounded, the bruises and scratches had long healed but the wound in my heart still hadn’t, in fact it is still aching and bleeding profusely. I felt all this when I was 6 years old I hardly believe it either, that I won’t even know it until I’ve gone for school.
And when I learned the fact that the father I’ve known and grown up with, is not my biological Dad confused, disappointment and anger ruled over me especially when my Mom don’t say anything about my real Dad. The optimism of my vision towards my perception of my whole being become blunt and in a snap it vanished into the air of deception.
And then came that moment that I’m craving to know and trace any information on him (Dad), I can’t get it from my Mom for she keep on avoiding and don’t want to speak about him when I brought it as a topic, in which I don’t even understand why, I was wondering if it’s too hard for her to let me have even a little pieces of information until I knew one thing and that my father’s name was Wallace Castillo, I search and asked about him without my Mom’s permission, I have known that my father was a former soldier that his roots came somewhere part of Luzon and I’m not so sure of the place its sounds like Abra, but still I’m not so sure of it.
And it was during that incident that hatred started to grab a hold of me, it occurred to me that my mom is one of the reason why my life is in miserable situation, what she did to me bring a great impact of being what I am, I consider those things as a rock of salt that my Mom rubbing it harshly on my wounded heart making it more painful and unbearable.
As time goes by it was still a puzzle for me that my wounded heart ache got worse and it is the reason on why I become so irrational and unpredictable and when I reach the age of 18 I still keep on wondering and still keep on being a brat, in short I was been so rebellious then it getting worst until I reach the age of 21 there was this one person who never give up on me her name is Emmedina delos Santos(she’s my friend, my confidante and my teacher as well) she said what I’ve been trough might be a good example to anyone, I never give a damn on her then one day she invited me to have a little participation of the educational trip that was founded by their organization, by that then I give myself a try, I join the Non Government Organization who mostly care for women’s right and children’s welfare for the reason of diverting myself from anger and frustration.
I thought by joining them would stop me from craving to unleash the other part of me, the questions that keep on hunting me for years still lingered on my mind, I was wondering if Dad really give a chance to look after me that he might but Mom hide me from him or maybe Dad really don’t care? Which is which? Do I really have a space in my Dad’s heart? If not at least he might remember my Mom that somehow she played a great part of him, I don’t give a damn whatever he may think or react what really matters to me is that I may know and hoping that I was born not to be the un-wanted child for I know that the time they meet they do have that spark and that they seek to have me then, may the rumours I heard would fit the real story, I just want them to realize and admit that I’m not a fruit of mistake for in that I could still reconnect my severed relationship with my Mom.

I am just like those who gravely suffered from these imaginative“wounds”, a suffering that caused by un-worked relationship or family break ups.
It is a bitter reality that most of the parents and a parents-to-be not just to be aware of but rather be recognized and addressing, alleviating and preventing the “wounds” that your YOUNG ones may feel wither wanted or the un-wanted that they may not be encountered.
What Mom did really struck me, but as I grow older and understand few things and also by Gods words and intervention I was sooth and relief that the pain that was bottled inside of me for what it seems like forever ended up when I shout out loud the aches that I have kept inside and that was the time when mom came home from abroad for it was almost 13 long years she haven’t came home, I burst like an atomic bomb when we have a huge argument, I told her everything that keep me from feeling so ill and so un-wanted.
I cried so hard for that long years since the first time I felt hurt and wounded, I even ask her why she keep on hiding my father’s identity she was too astonished to hear that I was been imprison by her past, the only thing she say is that “I never hide you from your Dad, he knows where he can find you, I just don’t want you to find him for yourself, for I want him to find you if he really cares for you “ after that moment I realize Mom had a point, He don’t have to rule my life, though it’s hard to grow up without a Dad to call for your own nor cuddle you when you’re hurt, yes Mom was right I should have know it long time ago so I never waste those time that I should enjoy being a child and a teens. Blurting it out makes me feel so relief and that at last, I felt that my inner wound was about to be healed it might not on that spot but I know it would.
Come to think of it, we may felt the emptiness and rejection just keep it in mind there just part of you and not the whole you, for I do believe now that a wounded heart doesn’t need time to be healed or a door to be closed it needs to be understand and open up as well. And for my Dad, I have forgiven you; I know someday with God’s will, we’ll see each other again.

The PAST

I never thought I could ever survive from being so melancholic, but i came to realize that what had happen is just part of my life and it made me think that I'm too lucky to face it all though I feared so much and so scared to be left alone tremendously suffered for loosing but it doesn't mean that my life is worthless when I lost someone special for God still never abandoned me instead he give me more reason to believe when that someone walk out of my life the DOOR open widely for the others to see, and now here I am smiling back to the world and once again felt the contentment.

it was September 2007 when I face the hardiest part of my life, I'm just a typical Filipina girl who never ask for too much, instead I'm contented of what God has given me. as those sweet years of 2005 to 2006 I thought I was the most happiest girl in the whole wide world, that I thank God for giving me such life that He never ever leave me.

He Give me the Man that I was dreaming of since I was just a little girl who wants to have a perfect man to be with (it’s typical for young girls to dream that early), when I start to look back at the time when I was just dreaming for my Mr. Right, I made a promise to myself that I would never ever commit to the other man when I have my Mr. Right. as I grow more older I realize that the dream I'm dreaming of is just an Illusion nor a blur vision, until on my 24 years I meet someone who is so opposite of my Mr. Right, at first I never give a damn on him but his to reluctant that he caught my attention, a typical Filipino men who've done everything just to prove how worthy and valuable you are to them that it reaches to the point that he travel miles away just to reach me, for he was in Manila when I'm in Mindanao, he never felt scared and even giving a second thought just to reach me.

From that moment he captured me of guard that made me change my point of view for my Mr. Right though he never had or resemble a lot of it but he made a way to caught me out guard. so from that on I never stop caring and showing him how much he mean to me that I never give him a reason to have a doubt and that it made me forget to love myself back, all I wanted is to him to be contented and be happy with me, I've done everything just to let him know how much I love him and that he even know I can’t go on living without him by my side, and then one day I felt something strange on him that it made me rattled, and that's the time I sneak and peep every time I smell fishy, and my instinct never fail I caught him but he keep on denying that it makes me feel so ill, so I still keep on insisting and nagging him to tell me that truth until he caught unguarded and admit it....

I felt the whole wide world crush down on me and it choked me death, I can’t believe that in everything I have done, in his eyes it’s still nothing that in every sacrifice I made just for both of us mean nothing to him , I ask him to choose and I know it’s a mistake for it even hurt me more to know that he even choose the other one, I felt so weak and helpless that I even ask to spare my life at that moment, I cried so hard that I don't even know how long I have been kneeling and begging for him to not let go of me but he seems so deaf to hear my plea, it crushes me down when he repeatedly say those hurting words. I was totally lost without any direction to think for the right thing...my heart was in total wreck and torn into thousand pieces.

he left me at that night without even caring that I might think of doing suicidal, he really doesn't care anymore, I keep on asking and bagging God for abandoning me at that moment but it seems that God is not hearing my plea too...

I've been asking myself too many questions but still the answers are too aloof to dig. so what I did is, isolated myself to seek, find and gain myself respect, until I found out that God never abandoned me instead he show me the right path to walk in, that he let me awake from my deepest sleep, and from that on I learn to value myself more and seek for God guidance and grace for he truly know what is best for us, as of now I'm totally happy and contented, when i lost someone he give me the other one to show me that life doesn't end with one person alone, for as God says, if the door is closed ill open all the windows for you to see....